College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
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There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.