I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
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Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
yeet
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳