It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
You Might Also Like
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.