GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
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If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
I love snow
– People who never shovel