*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
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I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
I know karate and tons of other words.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams