Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
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My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*