Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
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Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
When you’re here for the treats.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*