This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
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Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.