*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
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*performs CPR on the turkey*
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
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Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.