*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
You Might Also Like
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs