jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
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Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun