Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
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Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no