Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
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Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
the last thing a carrot sees
That’s easy for you to say
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke