I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
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I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
PLOT TWIST:
it was love at first sight
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar