Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
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The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Hamburger Hinderer.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.