13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
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Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Fidel Castro was alive?
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.