Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
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When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy