My Sentiments Exactly
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[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.