It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
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Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.