Straight people are cancelled
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NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.