Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
You Might Also Like
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
They say women only use 10% of their anger
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”