Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
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Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.