Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
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My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?