Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
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[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
A roof is a house hat.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Happy Febuary everyone!
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.