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wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”