my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
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I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
*praying for world peace*
God:
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
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Expectations vs. Reality
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.