A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
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My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao