dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
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At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it