I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
You Might Also Like
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
a badder mouse
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets