Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
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If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
dam girl
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Found the job I’m suited for
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.