You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
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Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.