What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
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For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.