Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
You Might Also Like
this is the news I live for
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.