Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
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Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit