Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
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This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”