which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
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Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.