Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
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8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.