Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
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friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
i love meeting boys on tinder
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood