I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
You Might Also Like
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.