That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
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Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
me when i see my girls butt
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]