her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
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I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Name this drama.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.