going ballistic. anyone need anything?
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Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
man i love columbo
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled