One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
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[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
They got a point!
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months