Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
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“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse