turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
You Might Also Like
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
how high up are we talkin’?
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters