The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
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One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.