Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
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I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.