More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
You Might Also Like
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date