No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
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[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
my astrological sign is a french fry
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Today’s Times
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper