If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
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Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
I needed a laugh this morning.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer